Bitch!!

I am a bitch, and I hate myself for being one. I am manipulative, offensive and condescending and am a shite friend. All in all, you don't want to know me...

So what brings on this sudden splurge of self-love...?*sarcastic smile to myself* To be honest, I think I know, but telling you is not going to make me feel better, so I'm not going to bother going into it...However, these feelings have been eating away at me for the past couple of weeks. I blame all my behaviour on stress, but having done a fair bit of introspection, I have decided that in reality, no one is more worthy of that title that myself...

You see...I suck as a person...I am vindictive, cold and heartless and I don't think relationships mean enough to me...be it with family, friends or acquaintances, I just can't be bothered making the effort anymore!! On the top of that, I am going out of my way to offend people, to be nasty to them...I am currently doning a "fuck-all" attitude...I AM SELFISH...there...I said it out loud!! I think its a defence mechanism...sort of a "hurt them before they hurt you" kind of thing...I say exactly what I think...and in my case, that is a bad thing...I seem to be "discarding" friends like old newspapers nowadays...How do you know that you won't be in my recycling bin tomorrow?

Trivial things seem to set me off...Things that you say harmlessly are things that I hold onto...I am sensitive to things...maybe overly sensitive to what others say, do and perceive me to be...I can't help it...If you do something nice for me, chances are I won't remember it...Do something bad to me, and I'll never be able to forgive you...Like seriously, what kind of attitude is that??!! I just can't do the full "forgive and forget" thing...then again, I don't think of myself as a good Catholic either...Good Catholic girls do not go around thinking up schemes as to how they can get back at people with added vengeance...Keep in mind that I am not aiming at anyone in particular here...this rant is just a result of my in-built frustration against the world in general...I am sick of it...even more so, I am so sick of myself and stuffing up all the time...I am so tired of being imperfect!!

Relationships I think, are funny things...You can be in one and have the most fantastic time, but throughout it all, be it with relatives, friends, a loved one, or someone you hate, to maintain one takes too much time, too much effort, and in the end, one of the two people involved gets hurt or emotionally scarred...So whats the point in trying huh? I say fuck all!! I guess being alone is a bitch too though...There's nothing worse than silence to get one's pessimistic side aroused...And whats up with the full "you hurt those who love you the most" shite anyways? I can't figure out how that works or why it would...

OK, you know what...I've outdone myself here...I don't know what the fuck I'm going on about...I am going to end here people...This post wasn't put up because I want you'll to say that I am good, that after all this I am not a horrible person...I don't want pity...I am proud, selfish and care about no one else but myself...Seems to sink in a bit better when you write a blog about it...Anyhoos, take care of yourselves...and PJ and Leenz, since you'll are pretty much the only people who visit this crappy blogsite...thanks for everything, especially for putting up with me...