Hello, my name is CQ and I need help...You see, I'm totally obsessed with Formula One and Ferrari...As I said before, I need help...

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

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DISCLAIMER:
This blog is more of a "need-to-clear-my-mind" kind of thing, so please do not feel obliged to read this...I know you'll are good friends of mine, but 10 bucks says that you'll will die of boredom if you do read this. I do not want to be held liable for any such unfortunate consequence.

You've been warned...

They say that home is where the heart is. I dunno. Maybe. That would mean that in my case I have two homes then...one, my student dorm in Perth, and the other, my soon to be demolished flat in Kuwait.

At the moment, I stand at the edge, overlooking a sea of uncertainty. I might be able to stay in Australia after my UG degree, or I might have to go back. Will I get a job in Australia? If not, what do I do? Do I go ahead with a Master's degree or have I had enough already? Will I really graduate this semester or is that asking for too much? Those are the questions confronting me at the moment, and I am totally pissed off at the presence of so many unknowns.

"These are exciting times" says someone whom I hold close to my heart and he says it with so much enthusiasm and conviction that I almost believe him. The more I think of it, the more I realize that THIS IS NO BIG DEAL. In my very own fairytale, I graduate this semester, I get my PR soon after, I secure this fantastic job and everything's bliss...I live happily ever after. However, in my not so perfect world, all this could go horribly wrong.

Firstly, I NEED to pass this sem. Secondly, I've been applying for jobs and with every rejection letter I receive (I've gotten three so far!), I feel like someone is smacking the shit out of me. Its like I've gone through 4 years of this degree putting myself through stress and pain and its not even worth it. Well, yeah...pretty depressing for me.

Next, my PR. I've gotten mixed reviews on whether I can stay here in Australia or not. I am meeting a migration agent tomorrow and he is going to give me my final verdict...whether I can stay here and have a stab at a better life, or if I have to go back to Kuwait and forever be a second class citizen. If I have to go back to Kuwait, sure...I'll go back. Rather, I will HAVE to. PROS: I'll have my family with me, no more dinner dilemmas (should I have instant noodles tonight...again??!!), I might even get myself a good job with a hefty paycheck, and I will not have to spend a fortune on dates (the edible type) and petrol (when I learn to drive!). CONS: I actually liked Perth. I love the freedom I have here...to swear and drink and do my own grocery shopping. I guess those are the things that I'll miss the most (besides the trees in Perth), but I'll get over it. I will miss my friends in this part of the world a lot, but thats why email and mobile phones were invented. I will miss Sepang '07, which was supposed to be PJ's, Leenz' and my annual trip, and that will be something that I will be bitter about and resent for a very long time.

My conclusion: Life is filled with trade-offs. I have been very fortunate to study overseas and for me being in Australia has been a joyride. Who knows, if I'm really really desperate, I might decide to put myself through another year of self-inflicted torture and do a Masters Degree. Kuwait...well, I miss my dysfunctional family horribly. I miss mum, ice-creams with dad, fighting with Josh and bullying Jeremiah (with the aid of Josh, of course!) I feel like I'm missing out on so much...my folks getting older and the boys entering adolescence. And I hate that feeling...I hate being left out.

As can be seen from this blog, I'm a thinker...or a worrier...take your pick. We'll settle for "thinker"...it sounds flashier and deep. Its just that I hate uncertainty...I like organization, be it for my day, or for my life. I have to know whats next in store for me...Anyhoos, since that's not happening, this is what I seriously "think"...whatever has to happen will happen. I am 21...I should be enjoying life, not thinking about it. Thats what I intend to do...Live in the moment, for the moment. Stuff tomorrow! I might not even be alive!

9 Comments:

Blogger Leenz said...

wow, getting quite optimistic coming towards the end of ur thesis huh??? take each step at a time and just get through this sem first (which i KNOW u will!) cheer up about the job situation, the only reason they're not accepting u is cos u don't have PR....YET!!! ;)

PS home is where u MAKE it!

Tue May 23, 04:42:00 PM

 
Blogger Leenz said...

PPS I FOOKIN' HATE MY PRINTER!!!!!!!!!

Tue May 23, 04:43:00 PM

 
Blogger ferrarista said...

Heya Leenz! You actually read the entire post! *tears flowing from seeing true display of friendship* *being overly dramatic...again!*

I dunno hey...can't quite see the silver lining to my cloud(s) yet. As always, I'm being pessimistic here, but I can't help but worry. Thanks for your gems of advice...Noticed that you had a positive outcome/outlook on all of my issues. Thanks! =)

Regarding your printer, I dunno what to say...I hate this rainy/sleep inducing weather tho! Have done NO work at all today! Shite!

Tue May 23, 05:05:00 PM

 
Blogger pj said...

babe i was where you were at, the exact same crossroads and thinking the exact same things (ok maybe not the pr bit), but feeling so bloody helpless.

the thing is, YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS CROSSROAD THING.

i'm still at my crossroads. it's been a year, and so far.. i still feel aimless.

but take it one day at a time. have an overall goal (you KNOW what u wanna be and where you want to work for), and just LIVE, one day at a time.

live for each day. forget yesterday. tomorrow's another chance. :)


and what did u mean by u might not be alive?? 'CHOY! TOUCH WOOD!'

Tue May 23, 11:04:00 PM

 
Blogger ferrarista said...

PJ: Haha, I remember the nights spent in your room discussing our plans for the future...They never really turned out the way we wanted them to, did they? :(

Anyhoos, yeah, I agree with you about the crossroad thing. No matter where you are in life, circumstances always see to it that there are crossroads to be faced...But yeah, I think I'm only just learning that life cannot be planned out...am waiting at the crease with my bat to swing at any curveballs that come my way though!!

Loved your "tomorrow's another chance" quote. Will keep that in mind...And thanks for reading my entire blog too!! And for your undying support!! :)

Wed May 24, 12:47:00 AM

 
Blogger ferrarista said...

PJ/Leenz:

Oh yeah, one more thing...don't worry about the me-not-being-alive thing...All my suicidal threats are harmless...I'm a coward!

Although, seems that there are a few anti-depressants that can kill you when taken with excessive amounts of bananas...yeah, I know!! BANANAS!! Found that really fascinating...Thanks for sharing your knowledge Leenz!

Wed May 24, 12:51:00 AM

 
Blogger Leenz said...

dammit, knew i shouldn't have said anything! but where u going to get ur hands on ADs???

Wed May 24, 05:00:00 PM

 
Blogger ferrarista said...

Leenz: Haha!! Too late now buddy!! Seriously though, it is really fascinating to me...I wouldn't try it though...firstly, I won't be able to get my hands on AD's and secondly...its such a pansy way to die...no, no, I need something more melodramatic!! =)

Wed May 24, 07:20:00 PM

 
Blogger Leenz said...

actually i think ur biggest prob at the mo' is getting ur hands on bananas....sigh, so bitter about the price of bananas!!!!

Sun May 28, 02:43:00 PM

 

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