Lonely

Hello all!

Don't really have anything to blog about, but I am bored and right now Akon's "Lonely" is playing in my head, so yeah...this is basically going to be a rant about why I hate my life at this point in time (I have always been "the glass is half empty" type!).

Every high point in my life has always been followed by a wearisome and draining low period. My latest trough came to be just after I found out that I had graduated my engineering degree. I was so happy that day...don't know what happened after that...

I am lonely. Everyone's gone home for the holidays and although I have endured this pain over the past 3 years, this year my loneliness is very taunting. As much as I bitch about my family and how much I hate going back home, there is no other place I would rather be at right now. I miss dad. I miss mum.

I have so many things on my mind at the moment. And one emotion is becoming my dictator. Fear. I am scared. Afraid. Apprehensive. I feel like crying a lot lately. I want to go back to uni. I want to snuggle in the familiarity of Ohm's law and Calculus. I want to get rid of all my insecurities. I want to stay at Erica. I want to get a job. I want to be assured that my family and friends will always love me. I want to be successful. I want my life to end.

I have stopped listening to Coldplay. For now, at least. I find their songs very depressing. I think they make one's loneliness 1000 times more intense. So now, to counter my over-thinking mind and all its nasty thoughts, I just sleep. I get up in the morning and then go back to sleep. If I have something to do, such as my PR formalities, I get up, do those and then go to sleep. I don't feel like eating anymore. No hunger, no thirst. I do try and eat at night though. Actually, by that time I am quite hungry from the lack of fuel intake during the day. But yeah...sleep is my solace. Sleep is beautiful and my refuge.

I have just realized one other thing...I still don't know what my favourite colour is...Its very close...red or blue? That's the question.

Retail therapy has helped to a certain extent, but I think even that has reached a saturation point. The problem as I see it, is that I am not happy. I am looking for something...something to make this life worth living, and so far it is eluding me.

Uncertainty is a bitch. Loneliness is her companion. I hate them both.